So where do you even begin to comprehend and get through such life-changing losses in your world?<\/strong><\/p>\nYes, you can weep and cry your heart out. You can wail and scream. You can despair and give up. You can rage against the unfairness of it all.<\/p>\n
And you can fear that it is the end of the world for you.<\/p>\n
But then how do you start to live again?<\/p>\n
They say that only if you have lost someone can you truly understand and feel what those who have just lost someone is going through.<\/p>\n
Has Your World Ever Changed Forever in Just a Few\u00a0Seconds?<\/h3>\n
So there I was having just been told by my mother that my father was no longer with us.<\/p>\n
And in those few seconds, my world changed forever.<\/p>\n
I suddenly felt all alone in the world and that my own life had come to an end.<\/p>\n
The following few hours and days after that fateful phone call are a haze\u200a\u2014\u200aI blanked out most of that time as some kind of protective shield.<\/p>\n
I remember very little of the following three months as I got into a hazy, stupor. I got into auto-pilot mode, manically focussed on the practical things\u200a\u2014\u200aorganising the funeral, sorting out the estate and anything to avoid truly feeling my pain.<\/p>\n
I was the rock for my mother, siblings and nephews.<\/p>\n
Funerals are poignant, moving and timely reminders of the sanctity, sacredness and ultimate fragility of our lives. And my father\u2019s funeral was all of these things and much more.<\/p>\n
My brief eulogy at the funeral, carrying the coffin and meeting hundreds of relatives and friends at the funeral\u200a\u2014\u200aall that was just a blurry haze amidst the driving rain that cold and dark wintry morning.<\/p>\n
This eulogy was one of the hardest and most nerve-racking things I have ever done. I think I managed to say that my father\u2019s greatest gift was his compassion and love for people.<\/p>\n
Somehow I got through those initial few months but even now the sense of loss and sadness is acute.<\/p>\n
Does One Ever Get Over The Loss of a Loved\u00a0One?<\/h3>\n
Looking back, I just don\u2019t know how I have got through that first year. And now incredibly it\u2019s almost 10 years.<\/p>\n
The years since have seemed so empty without my father. I terribly miss talking to him on the phone, visiting him and watching cricket together.<\/p>\n
The loss felt most gut-wrenching and painful\u200a\u2014\u200aat the special occasions during the first year after his passing such as his birthday, my birthday, my parents\u2019 wedding anniversary and Diwali and Christmas\u200a\u2014\u200ait was then that his absence was the most painful.<\/p>\n
Have You Ever Lost Someone in Tragic Circumstances?<\/h3>\n
Just a few months before I lost my father, my best friend Rodney committed suicide in the USA, just a week after he had spent a few days with me here in London.<\/p>\n
Only a year before his death, I had been the best man at his wedding\u200a\u2014\u200aand he took his own life just a few days before his first wedding anniversary.<\/p>\n
When Rodney left the UK for the final time, little did I know that that was the last time I would see him.<\/p>\n
He sent me a deeply touching and heartfelt text message from the airport, thanking me for my friendship over the years and saying what a kind friend I had been to him.<\/p>\n
It was only afterwards that I realised Rodney was saying goodbye\u200a\u2014\u200athat was his last ever message to me.<\/strong><\/p>\nThe tragic loss of my dear friend left a huge void in my life\u200a\u2014\u200awe had been through many good and bad times and challenges\u200a\u2014\u200aand shared many an adventure.<\/p>\n
It breaks me now to know what he went through in his final days and to know how desperate and anxious he must have been.<\/p>\n
I could not talk about Rodney\u2019s passing for a long time, and even now I well up as I write these words.<\/p>\n
So how does one ever get over the loss of a loved one?<\/strong><\/p>\nHere is what helped me get through the darkest time of my life.<\/p>\n
1. Grieve As Much As You Need to and Know That It\u2019s Okay to\u00a0Cry<\/h3>\n
The best thing you can do is to really, really, really feel your pain\u200a\u2014\u200aand cry.<\/p>\n
There is no need to \u201cman up\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200aand pretend to be strong.<\/p>\n
The \u201csilent types\u201d like me probably suffer more and for a longer time\u200a\u2014\u200aso many times during my father\u2019s funeral and during the 12 days of the traditional Indian grieving period, I wished I could just bawl my head off like almost everyone else around me. But I just could not.<\/p>\n
I once cried for all of 2 minutes privately in the bathroom\u200a\u2014\u200aand that was just about it. And I have been crying silently in my heart ever since.<\/p>\n
As I said, over the following weeks I went into auto mode and just got on with doing things\u200a\u2014\u200athere were no tears but a terrible numbness which no sleep nor rest could break through.<\/p>\n
There was a lot of grieving still to be done for me and I just had to allow it to occur naturally in its own good time.<\/p>\n
So be open and vulnerable. Cry as much as you want to. Cry in front of others. Cry on your own. But do cry.<\/p>\n
It is remarkable just how strong the human spirit can be in such trying circumstances.<\/p>\n
2. Don\u2019t Be Afraid to Talk About your Grief with Family, Friends and Community<\/h3>\n
Be open and talk about your grief and feelings with the people close to you.<\/p>\n
Families can be a wonderful thing yet quite a challenge\u200a\u2014\u200asometimes we just can\u2019t live with each other for long and yet when it comes to our true hour of need, everyone rallies around.<\/p>\n
When I lost my father, I was simply overwhelmed with the compassion shown to us by our many friends and family members during the ensuing weeks. And I was contacted by numerous people from my distant past and many friends sent the most moving messages and cards.<\/p>\n
Amidst the sadness and grief, there was a feeling of tenderness and closeness amongst my siblings and other family members I had never experienced ever before\u200a\u2014\u200a\u2014 we all felt incredibly close to each other as we grieved our loss and perhaps also appreciated for the first time our own mortality.<\/p>\n
It was heart-wrenching to know that it took my father\u2019s passing for all this latent love to surface.<\/p>\n
Such closeness, such caring, and though seemingly and perversely short-lived, it was and will always be there. I felt closer to my uncles, aunts and other extended family and realised that they too had lost a loved one in my father.<\/p>\n
If more people could witness at first hand the grief of a bereaved family, I am sure there would be a lot less violence and warfare in the world.<\/p>\n
When I spoke at my friend Rodney\u2019s memorial service, I started reading from my prepared speech but the raw emotion got to me and I could not continue beyond the first few seconds. I looked up at the audience through misty eyes\u200a\u2014\u200aand I felt such love and warmth from the 60 people there. And I said the rest of my speech straight from my heart without referring to my written notes.<\/p>\n
Remember that people are incredibly kind\u200a\u2014\u200athey share your grief and are there for you.<\/strong><\/p>\nPeople have an amazing capacity to be compassionate\u200a\u2014\u200aallow them to show you their compassion and kindness during your time of need.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike\u200a\u2014\u200aeach has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200aBuddha<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nAlso by talking to a close family member, you\u2019ll both be helping each other\u2019s healing. Seek out and talk to whoever you feel comfortable with\u200a\u2014\u200aand know that it\u2019s perfectly okay to talk about it.<\/p>\n
Maybe you just need a good friend who would be willing to simply listen and be there for you.<\/p>\n
Reach out to your community and actively seek out support if that feels right for you\u200a\u2014\u200aeven consider reaching out to your friends on Facebook or any of the online communities you are part of.<\/p>\n
3. Don\u2019t Be Afraid to Spend Time on Your Own, Remembering Your Loved\u00a0One<\/h3>\n
As well as spending time with family and friends, do not be afraid to also spend time on your own.<\/p>\n
Do what you need to do as each person\u2019s journey will be different and you will deal with your loss in your own way.<\/p>\n
Ask people for space if that\u2019s what you feel you need\u200a\u2014\u200athey will understand.<\/p>\n
The best thing a friend did for me when I lost my father was to invite me to spend the day at her home. She prepared loads of comfort food all day and left me alone in front of her TV all day.<\/p>\n
I watched all sorts of mindless soaps and action movies, anything to take my mind off things\u200a\u2014\u200aand it was just what I needed as I cried most of the day on her couch, knowing that I would not be judged or seen as a wimp.<\/p>\n
Do go for long walks in nature, either on your own or with friends. Being in fresh air and exercising will take your mind off things\u200a\u2014\u200aand also make you present to the majesty of the universe and how we all fit in.<\/p>\n
Perhaps you will get a sense of the eternalness of our lives. Or perhaps you\u2019ll grasp just how minuscule we are in the great scheme of things.<\/p>\n
Maybe amidst all the gloom, you\u2019ll get to see your life and future direction in a new light.<\/p>\n
During this time of solitude, reflect on what has happened\u200a\u2014\u200aand remember the many special times you had with your loved one.<\/p>\n
Giggle at the silly fun you used to have and smile at their nuances and peculiarities\u200a\u2014\u200aall those quirks which made your loved one so unique and adorable.<\/p>\n
Look back on the happy times. Look back on the sad times. Look back on the fun times. Look back on the challenging times. Look back and remember.<\/p>\n
And as you remember, cry as much as you want to.<\/p>\n
4. Remember that Seeking Special help and Support is Not\u00a0Failure<\/h3>\n
Having many supportive friends around you is wonderful, but professional support may help too.<\/p>\n
Grief counselling can offer you a platform to express your grief and sadness.<\/p>\n
Though I never had grief counselling, looking back I do wonder if it would have helped me.<\/p>\n
As a man, it does not seem manly to need counselling. Men tend to feel they should be able to handle their emotions and may wrongly view counselling as an admission of weakness.<\/p>\n
Everyone deals with grief in their own way\u200a\u2014\u200aand there is no right or wrong way to grieve.<\/p>\n
There is no magical formula for \u201cgetting over it\u201d, only the passing of time, patience and compassion with oneself.<\/p>\n
Time may not necessarily heal but it makes the burden of grief become manageable whereby you can live, function and become happy once more, experiencing joy again, while never forgetting your loved one.<\/p>\n
Also, seek out medical support if you feel yourself at a physical and emotional low. Just talking to a doctor will reassure that you are only experiencing the normal phases of grieving.<\/p>\n
Your faith can also really support you at this time\u200a\u2014\u200adepending on your faith and beliefs, seek out support from your priest, rabbi, pastor or spiritual teacher.<\/p>\n
Whatever you do, do not lock yourself away in isolation\u200a\u2014\u200aknow that everyone is rooting for you and supporting you in the best way they can. Allow them a chance to do so.<\/p>\n
At the same time, during the grieving period, try and keep your cool as emotions can run high and even amongst loved ones, misunderstandings can happen.<\/p>\n
5. Give Your Grieving Process as Much Time as You\u00a0Need<\/h3>\n
It is said to be a cliche about time being the great healer.<\/p>\n
But who cares about cliches!?<\/p>\n
You take as much time as you need to for your grieving process. Do not listen to others who tell you that you should have \u201cgot over\u201d the loss by now.<\/p>\n
Everyone deals with grief in their own way\u200a\u2014\u200aand there is no right or wrong and nor is there a magic formula for \u201cgetting over it\u201d.<\/p>\n
Recently a friend mentioned how he felt something was wrong with him since he still felt so down after the loss of his own father two years ago. Some friends had told him that this was not normal and he should have \u201cgot over\u201d it by now.<\/p>\n
I reassured him that it was perfectly okay for him to grieve as was appropriate for him and for as long as needed\u200a\u2014\u200aeveryone has a different journey and their own way of dealing with loss.<\/p>\n
I did suggest though that he could look into some grief counselling if it was impacting his life so much.<\/p>\n
6. Appreciate Your Loved Ones and Honour Them by Living a Life Worthy of\u00a0Them<\/h3>\n
In the year after my father passed away, I went through his printed papers and books\u200a\u2014\u200aand I was astounded by the breadth and depth of his knowledge, and his compassion and love of people.<\/p>\n
I never truly appreciated what he stood for nor what he had done for me. Learning how he had worked so hard so that we could all have a better life than his generation was quite a humbling realisation.<\/strong><\/p>\nI now lament that I didn\u2019t show him my full appreciation in his lifetime\u200a\u2014\u200ahe did his best for me and everything he could for me, with the knowledge, resources and understanding he had at the time.<\/p>\n
I will also always recall his kind and sometimes eccentric nature and what made him my father\u200a\u2014\u200asuch as cantankerously checking that all the doors and windows were locked the last thing at night, and always wanting to know if I had eaten properly no matter what time I called him, day or night.<\/p>\n
What you experience as quirky about your loved ones today will become treasured memories one day.<\/p>\n
During my deepest grieving for my father, I watched yet again my all-time favourite movies\u200a\u2014\u200a\u201cIt\u2019s a Wonderful Life!\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200aabout a man who feels like a total failure.<\/p>\n
Just when his spirit is about to be broken, his guardian angel, Clarence, falls to Earth and shows him how his town, family, and friends would have turned out if he had never been born.<\/p>\n
This heart-warming movie made me appreciate just how many lives my father had touched in his lifetime through his life of service to others.<\/p>\n
Everyone\u2019s life has a meaning\u200a\u2014\u200aand in the same way, your departed loved one\u2019s life served a bigger purpose and the world would not have been the same if they had not lived.<\/p>\n
So as you grieve, remember and honour them for the impact they made on so many people.<\/p>\n
The biggest gift my father gave me was my life and I can never thank him (and my mother) enough. All I can do is to endeavour to live a life worthy of both my parents.<\/strong><\/p>\n7. Express Your Love to Your Loved Ones Whilst You\u00a0Can<\/h3>\n
Recently I attended the funeral of an elderly relative where I cried copious tears as I remembered once again the loss of my father.<\/p>\n
My tears were for not only for my father but also for all my past losses\u200a\u2014\u200aforgotten dreams, lost hopes, squandered time, estranged friends, broken relationships, people let down, hurts still festering\u200a\u2014\u200aindeed a huge cocktail of feelings of grief.<\/p>\n
And most of all, I cried tears for love not shared, expressed, recognised or reciprocated.<\/p>\n
So do not wait any longer\u200a\u2014\u200ago and spend some valuable time with your loved ones\u200a\u2014\u200aand get in touch with those family and friends who mean so much to you.<\/p>\n
Visit them. Call them. Email them. Text them. Whatever works for you. Contact them somehow. And tell them just how much they mean to you.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe love you fail to share today is the only pain you live with right now in your life\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200aShore Slocum<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n8. Create a Legacy Worthy of Your Loved\u00a0One<\/h3>\n
Though I cannot claim to fully understand the pain that you are going through nor underestimate your anguish, I do know that you are gifted with such resolute strength that you can get through it all\u200a\u2014\u200aand begin to live once again.<\/p>\n
It is remarkable just how strong the human spirit can be in such trying circumstances.<\/p>\n
Losing a loved one is the deepest pain you\u2019ll go through in life\u200a\u2014\u200abut let that also instil in you an urgency to experience life as fully as you can\u200a\u2014\u200awhilst you can.<\/p>\n
Let the loss of a loved one ultimately be a wake-up call for you to make the most of your life\u200a\u2014\u200aand create your legacy and do what you can for the world\u200a\u2014\u200awhilst you can.<\/p>\n
Let this be a clarion call for getting out of the trap of wanting to be the best, acquiring more stuff and spending time in frivolous activities\u200a\u2014\u200aand truly going for what you want in your life.<\/p>\n
Make a promise to yourself to live the best life you can from hereon.<\/p>\n
My father left behind quite a legacy. He lives on in his books\u200a\u2014\u200aand in me.<\/p>\n
What will be your legacy? What will your loved ones remember you by?<\/p>\n
9. Remember That The Love of Your Departed Loved One Will Never Leave\u00a0You<\/h3>\n
Remember that the happy memories of your departed loved one will always stay with you. Perhaps ultimately that is what counts more than anything else\u200a\u2014\u200aand the awareness that their great love for you will always be with us.<\/p>\n
That awareness frees us up on our quest for completeness and happiness\u200a\u2014\u200awhich after all is what our departed loved ones want for us anyway.<\/p>\n
Earlier this summer, a friend lost her mother after a long term illness and brave fight\u200a\u2014\u200aand just a couple of weeks later, my friend gave birth to a baby girl.<\/p>\n
She shared something incredibly poignant\u200a\u2014\u200aknowing just how much she loved her newly born daughter had made her realise just how deeply and unconditionally she had been loved by her own mother all her life.<\/p>\n
Amidst the despair of losing her mother and the joy of giving birth to her baby daughter, my friend had a great awareness of just how much her mother had loved her, and how this deep and profound love was still there and will always be there.<\/p>\n
In that moment, when my friend shared about her mother\u2019s love, I too felt just how great my father\u2019s love had been for me and how it too will always be there.<\/strong><\/p>\nI am only now able to grasp the depth of my father\u2019s love for me\u200a\u2014\u200aand knowing that this love will always be there even in his physical absence is incredibly heartening and consoling.<\/p>\n
I get so emotional even thinking about this\u200a\u2014\u200aand I write this through teary eyes.<\/p>\n
Somehow, when we remember our loved ones we think about all the things we didn\u2019t do or say, or regret some of the things we did say which we wish we hadn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
In that moment of feeling my father\u2019s love, it suddenly became clear to me that in the great scheme of things, these regrets did not matter. Somehow that realisation gave me a sense of completion with my father.<\/p>\n
So know that during this period of your grieving, in time you\u2019ll get over your regrets and bask in their love that will always be there.<\/p>\n
\u201cTo live in hearts we leave behind, is not to die\u201d\u200a\u2014\u200aThomas Campbell<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\nYour departed loved one will also always be with you too, no matter what\u200a\u2014\u200aand they will always continue to live in your heart.<\/p>\n
Remember to not only mourn the passing of your dear one but also to celebrate their life.<\/p>\n
Remember them and pledge to yourself to make the most of each day and the most of this fleeting life that we are all so lucky to have.<\/p>\n
Yes, we do live in a beautiful world and there is so much goodness in us and around us\u200a\u2014\u200abut it is also the nature of life that we are meant to experience the excruciating pain of a loss of a loved one.<\/p>\n
Yet, life can also give us such heart-rending, excruciatingly painful experiences that it takes all we have and much more to even get through each day.<\/strong><\/p>\nMaybe we never ever truly get over the loss of a loved one.<\/p>\n
Maybe we never completely heal, but just cover it up.<\/p>\n
Maybe with time the pain just diminishes but never totally goes away.<\/p>\n
But our love lives on forever.<\/p>\n
Remember that Everything Changes\u200a\u2014\u200aand This Too Will\u00a0Pass<\/h3>\n
As you grieve the loss of your loved one, remember that everything changes.<\/strong><\/p>\nBuddhist and Yogic traditions teach us about the futility of fighting to hold on to what we have\u200a\u2014\u200aeverything changes and ultimately we all go back to where we came from.<\/p>\n
What helped get me through my darkest days of grief was this little mantra I adopted and kept repeating to myself\u200a\u2014\u200athis too will pass.<\/strong><\/p>\nIncredibly 10 years have now passed\u200a\u2014\u200aand here I am wondering where that time has gone.<\/p>\n
My excruciating pain and despair did pass\u200a\u2014\u200aand though the void and sadness will always be there, I am left with treasured and beautiful memories of my father.<\/p>\n
No matter what your beliefs about spirituality, the afterlife and reincarnation, take comfort that your departed loved one is at peace\u200a\u2014\u200aand they are at peace with you.<\/p>\n
And their deep love will always be with you.<\/strong>[\/et_pb_text][\/et_pb_column]
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\n\t\t[\/et_pb_section]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"My phone rang in the middle of a cold December night. I woke up with a jerk. Annoyed that I had forgotten to switch off my phone. But as soon as I looked at the phone and saw that it was my mother calling, I knew it was tragic news. My mother was hysterical. My […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":265,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"on","_et_pb_old_content":"My phone rang in the middle of a cold December night.\r\n\r\nI woke up with a jerk. Annoyed that I had forgotten to switch off my phone.\r\n\r\nBut as soon as I looked at the phone and saw that it was my mother calling, I knew it was tragic news.\r\n\r\nMy mother was hysterical. My father had just died. He was no longer with us.\r\n\r\nMy life was never the same again.\r\n\r\nWhat\u2019s the most excruciating pain you have ever felt in your life?<\/strong>\r\n\r\nI don\u2019t mean physical pain, but the pain of the loss of a loved one. And how did you even get through?\r\n\r\nIt is now almost 10 years since I got through the most excruciatingly painful time of my life when my father suddenly passed away in the middle of that fateful December night.\r\n\r\nHe had a massive heart attack and passed away in the presence of my mother\u200a\u2014\u200athey had been together for 54 years.\r\n\r\nIt was a crushingly traumatic period in my life.\r\n\r\nOnly 6 months before my father died, my best friend had passed away through suicide.\r\n\r\nIt felt that the whole world was against me\u200a\u2014\u200aand that I would never get through this torture and pain.\r\n\r\nI kept thinking\u200a\u2014\u200awhy me?\r\n